A broad-ranging theme in Louv's book is the fears that plague adults and children in our culture, increasingly causing us to keep the unknown, including the natural world, at arm's length. How dangerous is the world today? How have we come to feel this way? What message have contributed to this disproportionate sense of fear? What is an acceptable amount of risk for us to expose our children to? How closely do we need to supervise our children, and what are the dangers of over-supervising them?
A part of this conversational thread is: How has this rubbed off on our children? How are they being affected by our well-intentioned desire to keep them from harm? Are they learning to be good decision makers and to assess for themselves reasonable risk? Are our habits ultimately making them more safe, or less? What do you think would happen if you loosen the reins and let the children in your care have more unstructured, less highly supervised contact with the natural world?
Are the children you work with fearful? In general? Of the natural world and its creatures? Of wind, rain, dirt, and the dark?
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33 comments:
I guess I'll start this one off.
We mentioned a number of fears and dangers last night: injury, personal safety, germs, getting dirty, the list goes on; mosquitos, sunburn, predators, wild animals with rabies, heat exhaustion, academic success, terrorists... that may explain why parents have limited their children's exposure to the outdoors.
Parents are very concerned about doing the right thing for their children and they clearly feel the responsibility to keep them safe from any danger they can control. They do not want to appear to be neglecting their child by letting them take risks in the real world. I think a large part of this over-protection is a false sense of control. I sense some of this stems from guilt. When both parents have to spend so much of their time and energy working full-time careers, they know that their children are not getting the time and attention from them that only they can provide. I see this guilt turn into the "hovering" level of involvement in aspects of their parenting. The obsession with academics ("If I can't be with them all day at least they are learning and will do well in school"), safety ( "I would be a bad parent if my child got poison ivy") and strangers ("She needs a cell phone to keep in touch with me every moment she is out of my
sight") and general guilt ("I'll buy him what he wants because I feel bad about being away from him so much").
Many parents consciously teach their children fears hoping that the child will learn to take on responsibilities for themselves. I see how sad this all is. I know the children feel it. I see many anxious children now, more than I ever have in my 35+ year career. I think that parents feel they are doing the right thing by being over-protective. But children don't have the maturity to understand these big, abstract fears, in fact many adults don't really understand how small the risks really are either. We know for example that many more children are abducted by family members than by strangers!
I wish we could protect children from these fears until they are really ready to assume responsibility for themselves. Shut off the TV news and radios, get outside, talk about positive things, enjoy more time connecting with them so that they feel protected by our love and presence, not by our fears.
Here's one new thing that is surprising me. I currently work with many children who have stay-at-home moms, or whose parents work alternate shifts so the other can be home. Many of these parents are isolated, the children painfully shy and fearful. I'm surprised that they are not confident children because they've had more time to have a relaxed childhood at home with a parent.
The place of children in families has also changed. Families have fewer children. Children feel entitled. They live in a competitive, material world, not a natural world. Enough for now,
Elaine Coutu
Blue Hills Regional Technical School
I agree with everything in Elaine's first paragraph. The media hype adds to everyone's fears, be it ours as parents or ours as providers
of children. We can't let our children play outside at dusk because
we will get bit by a mosquito, at the moment I can't even think what that disease is, but I know not to let my children play outside at
dust at certain times of the years. Several years ago I decreased
our playtime outside for the safety of the children and mosquito bites due to all the hype in the news, letters home from school, etc. I don't want anyone getting sick on my watch, not because I'm afraid of getting in trouble, but because of the fact I love these kids like
they are my own and protect them like they are my own. I think now
about how many mosquito bites I had as a child and we never thought anything about them. Also Lyme disease was something we never thought about, but now we check the kids for ticks constantly.
I live in Brockton, the city itself has more than it's share of not so great news. My husband and I were talking about the introduction in Louv's book and he feels that because we live in the city I am more guarded about my children than I would be if we lived elsewhere. I disagree and feel I am just as guarded as I would be in any other town or city. If my kids are outside I need to be able to see them or at least hear them. If they go to friends I want to know the parents well. I do not think that my fear is at all carried onto my children. I think that my kids think that it's just part of our
routine and who mom and dad are. Regarding the kids in care, I do
not feel that any of mine are overly fearful of the outdoors. I honestly can't think of an incidence other than the pool where someone has not wanted to do something.
We as parents want to do everything to protect our children from danger and because of the media hype that surrounds us daily we can't help but have it on our minds daily.
Debbie
Hi, I really believe 'fear factor'is a huge issue for a lot of parents. I know when my son was five (he is 20 now) we were walking at our state park and a group of older teens were threatening to us. Very scary for me and it was a long time before I took him back there and when I did I held a rock in one hand and my keys in the other...To go back a bit, we had to go there for our nature as the woods behind our house were now fenced in by the MBTA. But I did, eventually, get over the scare. When I recently reminded this to my son he had no recollection. Thankfully. He now is an outdoorsy adult, again, thankfully. So I completely understand this fear. Now I feel that loosening the fears can only be a good thing. And it will, hopefully, teach the children not to be too fearful. I often take my class of four and five year olds to our very, very small town forest to explore. Our after school program often goes to our state park (Ames Nowell) sp. to explore and run and be free.
Many of the parents of children I cared for were very concerned about bug bites and sun exposure. Most parents would apply the sunblock and repellent in the a.m. when dressing their child and I would reapply later. They would also be sure to include a hat and sometimes sun glasses. I usually followed the safe sun guidelines and avoided being outside from 11-2. Fortunately, I could use the back yard playground in the morning until about 11:30 where it was shaded and the front yard for riding trikes and cars as well as using sports equipment in the afternoon to catch the shade. Walks were scheduled for the late morning and early afternoon to avoid the busiest traffic times. We live down the street and around the corner from an alpaca farm so we would walk to visit the animals. Even though the state would allow me to let school age children play off my property (with written permission from parents) I never even considered the option. I felt it was a safety issue for all concerned, the children I still cared for in my home as well as the child playing with friends elsewhere. I was concerned about injuries and the fact that some of the neighborhood children had built a tree house in the island of the cul-de-sac. I had seen the structure and it was not very sturdy. I felt that I provided plenty of opportunities for nature play and unstructured play within the boundaries of my property.
There is no doubt that there is more fear about children being outside “on their own” than there used to be. As some of you have said already, we all hear the news reports about abductions, about animal attacks, and about the dangers of insect-borne diseases. Certainly all of these things are valid concerns. No one would dispute that. However, let’s remember that we never hear a news bulletin about children playing safely in a backyard or a park with no incident. Instead, we only hear about the bad things that happen. As a result our perception becomes skewed. The best way to protect our children from any of the above mentioned dangers is to teach them what measures to take to stay safe instead of isolating them.
My own children (now adults) grew up loving the outdoors. They spent their summers at various scout camps and could not get enough of the woods, rivers, and mountains. As adults, they still try to be scout leaders when they can because of their childhood experiences and the desire to perpetuate those opportunities for children. As they grew into their teen years, many of their excursions involved more challenges – rock climbing, white-water rafting, winter camping. While I was proud and happy of their confidence and ability to do these things, there is no doubt that I would await their return wondering if they would come home in one piece or not. (That’s the mother in me.) But we do need to learn how to let go and allow our children to venture into the wild as long as they have had the preparation and skills to do so safely. And when I say “the wild”, I mean the backyard for a toddler or the park woods for a young child, both under a watchful eye – even if from some distance, or on a camping excursion when they are older with a responsible group.
One way that we can help parents of young children to learn to let go is to plan activities and field trips to expose both the children and the parents to some of these experiences. Every so often, when I’ve taken a class to an Audubon sanctuary or for a hike through the woods, parents who came along have commented that they enjoyed the experience and that they had never thought of doing something like that with their children. Maybe, just maybe, the experience opened their eyes for future opportunities.
Vera
Fear factor as far as the book says is from parents not letting their children out to play and explore today. Well it's the sign of the times with all the news hype about "Bad People" and the new strains of diseases out there it's hard for parents to set it aside and let their children out for the day not worry for them. When I was a child my parents never worried about me and my brothers while we were out but times haved changed and I don;t care how much time you have spent out with your family as a child you can't stop the changing times.
Goodmorning all,
Yes I would agree, we as a society focus on the bad. We have to. There are never headlines in the news that a bunch of children went outside today and had a blast. We are only told about the bad things, so that is what we focus on. I would rather take every precaustion possible so my child or the children I care for are not one of those headlines.
We can teach children alot of different things, that does not mean their curiousity doesn't catch up with them. How many times did we all tell our children that drinking under age was bad, or do not do drug's and how many of them went out and did it (Not saying all children have, but many have). By that age, they know exactly what they are doing. At some point in your life curiousity is going to catch up with you and you are going to do things that you may have been told is not safe. Fear needs to be instilled into children. They need to know that exploring in the woods by them selfs is not safe. If that is something they want to do, an adult should accompany them.
We as parents panic when our child runs off in the grocery store, where there are many people to help you look, there are speakers that the child can be called on, but we are supposed to be fine with them running off into the woods, where there are alot less means of helping if something was ever to happen to them.
There are over 2,000 children report missing each year. That is the fact, if these children were not left on their own, alot of those could of been prevented.
Sorry, my correction...
There are over 2,000 children report missing each year.
I ment to say 2,000 children missing each day, not year.
So, I’m searching the web looking for statistics to support the causes of fear that are keeping our children indoors and I came across this article (surprise it mentions “Last child in the woods”).
I think we’ve blown the risks to children’s safety way out of proportion and are creating other negative side effects by limiting children’s freedom in their neighborhoods.
I’d love to see this discussion veer off in this direction because I think that is the real and serious message Louv is asking us to question in his book.
Let’s examine the rise in obesity, ADHD, Seasonal Affect Disorder, anxiety, difficulty with boys’ behavior in school … and contrast them in terms of the “real” threat of lyme disease, equine encephalitis, stranger abductions…aren’t we overreacting to the real odds?
The article compares models of urban development (mixed-use, traditional neighborhood developments vs. suburban developments) as environments in which to raise children. It’s worth taking a look at. You might also be interested in the documentary: The end of Suburbia available at Netflix.
I’ve excerpted some interesting pieces below.
Elaine
Think of the Children
How Memorable are the Places We Build for Kids?
By Jason Miller
http://www.tndtownpaper.com/Volume9/think_of_children.htm
A child is almost as likely to be struck by lightning as kidnapped by a stranger, but it’s not fear of lightning strikes that parents cite as the reason for keeping children indoors watching television instead of out on the sidewalk skipping rope or scrawling fanciful designs with fat sticks of chalk.
Although statistics show that rates of child abduction and sexual abuse have steadily decreased since the early 1990s, fear of these crimes is at an all-time high.
According to the California Megan’s Law Web site (www.meganslaw.ca.gov), stranger abduction is rare and 90 percent of child sexual-abuse cases are committed by someone known to the child.
Also:
A study of three generations of 9-year-olds found that by 1990, the radius around the home in which children were allowed to play had shrunk to a ninth of what it had been in 1970.
It may be that the discussion thread "Effects of Nature Deficit Disorder" would be a good place to pick up on Elaine's desire to consider a proper balance between our desire to keep children safe and the damage that is done by holding them too close. What are the positive benefits children get from communing with nature, and what are the damaging effects of being sheltered from it? Louv presents a lot of what he considers convincing research evidence? How much does it convince you?
Here in the "Fear Factor" thread, it might also pay to review some of the research evidence Louv presents. How much more dangerous is the world today than 40 years ago? Do we just believe that, or do the statistics support our beliefs?
I think it's appropriate for adults to take responsibility for keeping young children safe, but our goal should be that they eventually learn to make good decisions and keep themselves safe. Even "helicopter parents" can't watch their children 24/7, and most don't want young people to be fearful and forever dependent on externally maintained/adult controls.
I believe knowledge is power and enables us to overcome our fears about the natural world or any other realm. If we spend time outdoors with children we can teach them what poison ivy looks like, for example, without making them afraid of it or all wild plants. If they see us matter-of-factly avoiding contact with it they will hopefully follow our example. If not, we can teach them how to treat the rash.
I think you have to know a young child and what s/he is capable of before you can make a judgement about the amount of risk they should be allowed to take. We want children to have opportunities to build upon and extend their skills, and to learn from their mistakes, but this can be a tough call unless you know the child well.
Fear Factor
Fears of today are similar to the dangers we had when I was young and growing up, the fear of war, bad guys, robbers and child snatchers. We just didn’t hear as much about them. . The media is the main cause of the disproportional sense of fear. I feel when I was a child my parents shielded us from some of the fears by not viewing the constant bombardment of the television reliving each and every disaster and tragedy. In most cases the children were spared the stress and fears of the dangers of the world outside their homes. But our parents had rules that protected us, don’t walk to town alone, bring a friend, don’t get into a strangers car, you can go to the park but bring your brother or sister and there is safety in numbers, all things I heard as a child a simple safeguard way of protecting without prohibiting children experiences, giving children confidence to rely on their own judgment.
It is necessary for adults to alert children of dangers and as parents and care takers we protect our children alerting them of the dangers but not to scare them to death and rob them of their innocents and prohibiting them from a natural childhood of play.
Loosening the reins on children to allow them to enjoy a simple activity with a little less structure gives a child a feeling of control and sense of ownership of their time in nature. It is different today, more danger, I don’t think so, we just protect our children in a different way. We work more hours have less family time and want our children to enjoy outside play but protect them with organized sports, planned games and activities. Rarely allowing our children to go with anyone we don’t know. Society has new rules for anyone wishing to work with children, such as teachers, coach’s and assistants, Sunday school teachers and scouting organizations, each person is now checked out by MA C.O.R.I. system in attempts to protect children from predators.
Children that I work with in general are not fearful of the natural world except for the occasional spider or bug, but enjoy the each day in an adventurous way. Children build their own self-confidence by climbing to the top of a climber for the first time and succeeding. They become aware of nature and make new discoveries playing in the sand or digging in the dirt under a climber looking for buried treasures. We give children the chance to make choices, and in time for them to make not only a good choice but also a safe choice. We give them a safe environment, in which to discover their own self, their limits and strengths.
In speaking with staff this afternoon we started talking about how this generation of parents of 3 to 5 year olds were daycare children themselves. We were talking about how and why so many parents don't seem to know the right way to handle simple issues and why they come to us to solve an issue or give them advice. Many of the parents (now in their 60's) of these parents are still working. These parents grew up in supervised centers and daycares, protected from nature and regulated for safety.
We who are 50 and above may remember moms or dads being home and having more freedom around the neighborhood. There was a greater sense of community when we were young, we knew all the neighbors and the community farther out. Safety was assumed because everyone knew everyone. People were not as transient as they are now, communities grew up together, watched out for each other.
Louv talks about how growing up in this kind of controlled, overly scheduled culture changes the structures of our brains. Maybe this generation of parents doesn't know any better and maybe they are actually wired to accept nature as a controlled scheduled activity? I think I remember Louv saying that children who are disconnected with nature may learn to associate it with fear. If these parents nowadays were disconnected, then they are wired to allow the disconnection of their children as well.
Louv gives the five antidotes to curing the "Bogeyman Syndrome":
1. Spend more time with your children.
2. Increase your child's time with "good adults".
3. Reinvest in building community in your neighborhood.
4. Encourage children to play with their peers and not alone.
5. Use technology like cell phones as the advantage to keep connected and calm.
It takes a village to raise a nature savvy child?
Abigail brought up Louv’s antidotes for curing the “Bogeyman syndrome”. I think the one that I have to agree with the most is to “Reinvest in building community in your neighborhood.” Many of us can remember growing up in neighborhoods where our families all new each other. So when we roamed the neighborhood, there was always someone there looking out for us. As my own children were growing up, we were fortunate to live on a street where we all made the same effort. I am always so surprised to hear parents say that they don’t even know their next-door neighbors much less the family a few houses down. It is no wonder then that these same families are reluctant to let their children out of their sight. If they do not know who lives in their neighborhood, they don’t know whom they can or cannot trust. When my own children were young, we always had a number of “safe” houses designated in the neighborhood. That way if they ever got off the school bus and for some reason no one was home in their own house, they knew where to go until one of us came home. Thankfully this virtually never happened, but we felt secure in knowing that if let’s say I had a flat tire somewhere and simply could not get home in time, they would be in a safe place rather than roaming around on their own and possibly getting frightened about being in that situation.
My main focus in my life is to help my children be thoughtful, capable children who can make informed decisions about as many things as they possibly can. The list will hopefully include the kinds of things that are helpful and harmful to themselves and the environment, the way to find a mate, the way to build a simple bird house or fix a faucet, you get the point.
But what I will say is, I find it absolutely alarming how many people MY AGE are incapable of some of these very same things. What was once called “common sense” is an obsolete thing. I feel that as a society who has lost that constant contact with nature we are also losing a connection (possibly neural) that regulates information about our own bodies. There is research that supports the brain development, or lack there of, associated with the Nature defecit disorder. Is this the reason why we see children who can no longer make judgement calls about how to use their bodies? Is this loss of common sense due to parents being overprotective and not allowing children to have certain experiences? I believe they go hand in hand. It scares me the sheer number of children who are protected from physical exploration: not allowed to rough-house, tumble, jump-off. My husband has this Neurosis about child-injury and it kills me. We are taught to fear and we are teaching to fear. many children are afraid of things like bugs and animals. But in the last few years I am seeing more chidlren afraid to swind, to slide, to gert dirty its unnatural.
Rascal Flatts sings a song about “missing Mayberry” and when I listen I wish I had known it, but I also am keenly aware that it doesn’t have to be that far away, but I have to open some doors too. I have to let them dig behind the garage, what could possibly kill them there? Since reading this book, I have started to let go a little. Now I have to work on my husband…
As I write this posting on the Fear Factor, I am listening to the news on television. A single newscast began with a feature on the dangers of sledding with many communities now banning it on public property due to the fears of injury and litigation. The next report is about the fear of a rise in crime due to reduced police protection as a result of budget cuts. The following story is about the fear of survival of families faced with a job loss and fear of those still working that they too will lose their employment. Finally, we end with a report about tainted peanut butter in the food we feed our children. Is it any wonder that families feel they live in a world where they need to protect their children.
The media sensationalizes the negative in our world and focuses little on the positive. Most of us realize that we will never experience what is reported but inundation by the media creates the fear and need in us to protect our families. How we react to these fears and relate them to our children will influence their ability to face the challenges of our world today. Over reacting and over protecting robs children of the chance to explore nature and reap the benefits that Louv describes. Nature improves health, reduces stress lessens symptoms of ADHD, builds self confidence, fosters decision making and problem solving skills. All of these are traits that help to ensure our children’s safety and success in life. Striking a balance between keeping our children safe and allowing the freedom to develop these essential skills is a challenge for us all. Plans such as Louv’s “The Antidotes to the Bogeyman Syndrome” is one reasonable solution for us to model.
I grew up in Brockton in the 70's and 80's and for the most part, I felt safe. My parents didn't smother us, but seemed to count on the fact that our neighbors all watched out for one another. We spent a great deal of time outdoors and I remember riding my bike to the store in areas that I wouldn't dream or sending my own children to. I don't remember my parents being afraid of the environment, but we were taught that you can get a sense of who to trust and who not to trust. The families in our neighborhood were much larger (our family of 5 was considered small), and so there were always older children around watching out for the younger ones. Children didn't seem to segregate by age, as they do now. I have to say that I, personally, am much more protective and nervous about where my children are, who they are with, etc. than my parents were. This past summer, my older daughter rode her bike to a friend's house and stayed late. She then had to ride home in the dark, and it started to lightly rain. I was absolutely panicked thinking that she could be hit by a car or have an accident on her bike and was upset with her when she arrived home. Even though she is a teenager, who uses common sense, I didn't trust that she could handle riding her bike a short distance home in the rain. As I do agree with Louv when he says that media hype has changed the way we look at situations and has made us much more fearful. I did feel better reading his statistics that proved that it is rarely a stranger that abducts or hurts a child, but usually is someone that they know well or are directly related to. It is one thing to agree with a statistic, though, and another thing to change a way of thinking. It will definitely take me some time to feel more secure about the outside world.
I find the discussion on fear very interesting. Because of the media attention, we are all aware of the dangers and the diseases that are out there and sometimes the knowledge is a bad thing. I remember reading an article, “If You’re Over Forty, You Should Be Dead,” citing all the things we did as kids that we don’t allow today. We got bit by mosquitos, we ran into the woods, we ate candy from strangers, we didn’t always wash our hands and if something fell on the floor, we picked it up and ate it. I’m not advocating that we teach these things to our children, but just as our use and misuse of antibiotics has led to antibiotic resistant bacteria, sheltering our children can cause problems later. We need to protect our children, but we also need to trust them. When I taught four and five year olds, we had monkey bars on the playground. When children asked for help, I always said no. I never had a child fall. They only climbed as high or as far as they knew was safe for them. Without endangering children, we need to provide some of those risks, so that they learn what they can and cannot do and they learn to trust themselves. I wonder if anyone has ideas of things that can be incorporated into a playground, that allow that thrill of risk taking. We have a log anchored in the mulch for children to use as a balance beam. We also have stumps and some children will jump from one to another and others will step up then step down before going to the next one. Hopefully these materials are encouraging children to test themselves and decide what is safe for them.
I also have seen a newscast that talked about sledding, but was focused on the issue of requiring helmets for sledders. What about for skaters? I remember reading a few years ago about banning skating on public ponds in Attleboro due to liability. We want parents and children to be out in nature enjoying the experiences we had but where will they go? If they are not afraid of injury enjoying these activities, they may fear being cited for not providing the proper gear for their children.
I agree with Louv’s discussion on needing to change the system so that people are not sue-happy. I can remember an interview when a parent asked if I carried liability insurance (I always did) just in case his son broke a bone. Even though I knew that was unlikely to happen that comment raised a red flag for me but I took the family and we had a great relationship. Another dad I had would jokingly say he was going to call his lawyer, “I would love to live here!” as he watched his daughter bump into something or trip and fall while running outside during pick up time. Obviously, I didn’t find that funny—and it drove home the point that as child care providers we have an awesome responsibility for the health and safety of the children. You know it, and are reminded of it when you hear comments from parents, but don’t realize how much it weighs on you until you are no longer caring for children. It may not only be the parent’s fear of disease, injury, strangers, etc. that limits what we do with the children but our fear of litigation from parents that keeps us from providing the unstructured, risk-taking, and “fun” experiences we had as children. Remember rope swings, tire swings, huge slides, push merry-go-rounds, monkey bars, and flying high on playground swings? Many providers consider these a liability. How sad.
I have been thinking a lot about the "fear factor" & trying to see where it is in my own life that I hold fear.
As someone else has mentioned the media play a HUGE part in our fears & these days we have instant access to news all over the world. In the same respect our children are exposed to it through the media at younger & younger ages! I have come to see that the things my youngest (12) sees & hears on TV are things I would not even consider my older 2 girls to have access to at her age (16 & 19). Some of it is because she has teenage sisters & what might be appropriate for them is NOT for her. I try to be vigilant about this but apparently not vigilant enough sometimes!!
It also brought to mind 9/11....I had a brother-in-law in the towers & I was glued to the news, there were lots of tears & stress in my home. When it happened I immediately called my child care parents to pick their children up & told them why. However my youngest daughter heard it all...I look back & think how inappropriate that was!!! For awhile there she was always upset when we visited family in NY & after sometime she finally told me she was "afraid grandma's house would get hit by a plane while we were there". So how did other children interpret this & how do they interpret what they hear & see on the news & then how does it effect them & add to their fears?? If they cannot find the words to tell us we may never know! The whole incident just made me want to hold my family closer so I could protect them.
As has also been mentioned we live in such a sue-happy society that folks need to cover themselves in all aspects. When I ran my FCC I did have liability insurance but I will also freely admit that there were times when I let it lapse as I truly felt it was an added expense. I should say that I DID have liability to cover if someone became hurt & needed medical attention but I sometimes let the professional liability go that would cover in case someone sued me. When I started in my current position with an FCC System I then realized just how foolish I was to let that go & felt truly grateful nothing ever happened, I was lucky. My agency requires Providers to carry liability insurance or we cannot contract with them!
Several folks have also brought up the issue of community & how we need to re-invest in our communities. I so whole-heartedly agree with this! As I said before I grew up in NYC & was truly raised by the neighborhood. I find the Cape a very solitary place. My neighborhood looks like a real neighborhood but we do not function that way. I will admit I really like my privacy, probably because it was a rare thing growing up but now I really need to re-think this. It has been the focus of several discussions with my family. We do not really know a lot of folks in our neighborhood & we have lived here for 2o years! We wave to each other & somewhat know each others names but that is about it. We all keep to ourselves. My children are aware of who they can go to if something ever came up but it is definately a different atmosphere. Partially contributed to by the fact that there are not many stay-at-home moms these days, almost everyone works. In our fast paced society there is not much time for a cup of coffee with a neighbor.
In a recent conversation my family & I were talking about comforting sounds....one of my daughters said the whoosh sound the front door makes, another said the ticking of the oven when it heats up....my comfort sound is the sound of a spoon stirring in a cup of coffee. This goes back to when I was a child & my Mom would be at our neighbors drinking coffee.
I like the antidotes to the "bogeyman syndrome" & as much as I am opposed to my children using too much technology I will admit that I got my youngest a cell phone (much to my older daughters' dismay as they had to wait!!) & it provides me a sense of security, however false it may actually be, that I can reach her at any time. So we do have to use what is available & use it wisely.
In my opinion the true antidote lies in community building. I love the descriptions of sustainable communities. We have dear friends who are now looking for a place to start such a community. My husband & I have talked about joining them at some point but it will require much more thought & many more conversations between my family. In my view it seems ideal & I am sorry I did not have the foresight to seek this out when my children were babies. I think that as we age also we see the need for more community, we need each other at all stages of our lives but in the busy times f working & trying to raise our families it is sometimes hard to see. It seems to me a general societal problem. In the climate we are living in today I believe that in the near future we will have to live more in community to survive well. But that topic opens up a whole 'nother can of worms so I will end here!
I so agree with the notion of community building .I too grew up in a time when you really knew your neighbors and the neighborhood looked out for all of the kids. We now live in such a society that you don’t know who lives next door. You could live in a neighborhood for many years and not know your neighbors. People don’t hang out in their backyards or have block parties or any of those community building activities that were so common when I was little. I remember my mother always telling us that if we did anything we weren’t supposed to she would know because she had eyes everywhere!
I know I am much more fearful of my grandchildren’s welfare than I ever was with my kids but I think part of that stems from where they live. Three of my grandchildren live in Brockton and because of all of the constant news coverage, I hold my breath.
There are so many theories regarding this subject. I looked a few up and found there is so much information out there, a lot of statistics and many peoples ideas. One says there are about 2000 children hurt or abducted daily. Another says under 200. How do we know what is true? We need to educate ourselves on our neighborhoods, our communities. We need to know our neighbors and they need to know us. We also need to understand our children, their needs, their limits. We need to allow freedom to explore, but not too much. We need to offer opportunities, but not too much. It must be a continual learning experience for both us and our children. I don't know if we can or will ever be 'relaxed' when our children are out of our sight. I don't know if we can learn to not be afraid when we do not know what our children are doing. Were our parents and grandparents nervous when we were outside playing? Yes, time change.
Fear Factor-
(I am commenting on this topic again because it was lost on the blog on Feb.4th. I had some statistics listed that I am unable to find again at this time. I will keep looking for them.)
At far as “fear” goes in regard to child safety, the media contributes a lot to how we view our communities and the world. It is important to shield our children from the negative effects that the news can have on their emotions. What we want is for them to have a healthy and appropriate concerns to the potential dangers of outdoors and to not take unnecessary risks. I feel that as a parent we need to look at the individual child to see how responsible they are and what kind of risks that they take when they are alone outdoors. They need to be taught to walk with a friend or group, be aware of their surroundings, and avoid dark , secluded places etc.
I know when I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s in Bridgewater, I had more freedom to roam than I have allowed my daughter when she was growing up, who is now 17. The use of cell phones over the last four years has helped somewhat in calming fears. Maybe it is in partly due to people who knew their neighbors better back then than they may do now and also there were also more mothers primarily at home. My mom took care of children in her home and she was always there when we came home from school. These days, there are more children going home to empty houses and less supervision for several hours after school.
I agree with the statement Louv made in Chapter 10 , page 123 that “Fear is the most potent force that prevents parents the freedom they themselves enjoyed when they were young.” Our children are responsibility and we naturally want them to be safe and it is often hard to let them go out alone or with friends. No parent wants any harm to come to their child, especially if they feel it is their fault because they gave the child the permission to roam. I also like the five-step program to cure the bogeyman syndrome listed in Chapter 14, pages 183-184.
* Spend more time educating your children.
* Increase the amount of positive adult contact from good adults.
* Know your neighbors.
* Encourage your child to play in a group, rather than alone.
* Employ technology.
Even though there isn’t an easy solution to this current problem, we can
use these suggestions from Louv and others who are advocates for getting
children back in tune with nature and the world around them.
Fear Factor…My initial thoughts on this topic were overshadowed by my first grader’s comment one evening at dinner. …this is a daughter who seems happiest when she is actually outside…..so her story goes….My gym teacher doesn’t like me. He wants me dead.( I guess you can imagine our shock!) As she continues… He makes us lie in the ditch when we go outside. We have to run and lie in the tall grass. We can’t talk until we hear the whistle. Not being one to be quiet, I quickly wrote the teacher a note requesting a phone call asap. The gym teacher called….and what a lovely talk we had. He was wonderful and through support and talks both at home and school my daughter now has a different perspective. Imagine what she might have continued to think if we hadn’t stopped to listen. I could stop here, but I won’t leave you wondering….In a town wide adopted safety policy, her gym teacher ran his classes through the accepted outdoor safety drill procedure. As a parent, given that type of emergency, I sure would want my child “hidden” from “the bad people”. I want her safe. Somehow we had forgotten to include where she was coming from…she was less than a week off crutches(swollen joints from Lyme) at the time of the drill…three weeks into what turned out to be three months of treatment for lyme (we never saw the “bulls-eye”). She thought the gym teacher didn’t like her because he told her to lie in the grass – the very grass her parents/doctor tell her ticks might live in.The grass she loves to play near and in. Talk about mixed messages.
Jane Rotondi
Anyone ever see that e-mail that goes around every so often about the changes the we've seen over the years regarding a generation ago of being outside playing, not wearing bike helmets, walking to the park, etc.... doing anything. The point is the same that everyone else is making regarding how things have changed and evolved over time, and it seems just over the time frame of one generation. Now that is sad.
I had the opportunity to "crash" a party (as you will!!) of my mother and a few of her close friends. I brought the subject up to get a new feel from that "generation" as to how they feel our world or just our country alone has evolved in regards to how children are raised today. Words and emotions flew off every ones tongues and it was inspiring. I have said in an earlier blog how my life style was and still is, so I won't repeat myself. But how these ladies and men, who are now all grandmothers and grandfathers, are quite honestly appalled at our generation for allowing such things to happen. We coddle our children, we are "helicopter" parents, we allow them to stay inside and become oblivious to what is around them and what they could learn and grow from by just being outside. Take a good look at a few examples... would you allow your child to grab her bike and head out to a mall and meet up with friends for the day? And not have a cell phone, a helmet on and maybe not even a dime for a pay phone??? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Yet, we did that as children/teens every day. Would you let your child outside after morning breakfast and simply remind her to be back later for lunch? ABSOLUTELY NOT. And yet why? Nothing has actually changed, the world is still the same as it was then. Media has changed the world for us. We know too much and we hear too much. We are over educated of the fears and gruesomeness of our own country, our own towns, our own neighborhoods. And what are we telling our children... the same things. Parents are teaching their children fear because that is all they are hearing and learning. Is it actually fear that parents are afraid of, or is it the band wagon they need to jump on? I allow my own children the freedom of playing outside on their own and doing whatever they want, just like I did as a child. Yes, they get bit by bugs, they get poison ivy, they get scratches and bumps, but they have fun and they know the world around them. They know how the air smells before a snow fall or sounds of different birds or wild animals. They are in tune with their surroundings and learn from them. And yet my neighbors and even friends have told me, “I wouldn’t let me child to that, because I have a friend who…..” and it goes on and on. Quite honestly, did this really happen? Or was it made up so they have an excuse to keep reigns on their children and not give them the freedom of free play. I think parents look at it more as an extra chore than as a means of their child having a great learning experience. I’ve friends who have told me they just don’t have the time to allow their kids to get dirty or to go out and play. They won’t make the time… I wonder what the real reason is????
Take a look at statistics and actual stories about what may be a fear factor in your neighborhood or town, then make an educated decision based on what you believe as a parent, not what everyone else says. And get outside.
An unknown author said "The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes before the lesson." I think this reality haunts many of us and leads many to become fearful and over-protective.
I totally agree with Louv that the most important protection we can give children is our love and our time. This builds their self-esteem and self-confidence, and gives them "protective armor" to wear for the rest of their lives. I'm sure Louv is right that the children who are victimized are often emotionally neglected, come from intensely unhappy families, or suffer from other deprivations.
I liked David Sobel's description on page 185 of how he uses nature to teach his daughter safety which he calls "assessing ice". I agree that "the kinesthetic original experience of risk-taking in the natural world is closer to the natural way we've learned for millennia, and that the other experiences don't reach us as deeply." As I said at Tuesday night's meeting, I'm working on replacing my usual warning to "be careful" with "pay attention"; I'm convinced that time spent with nature can help children become more aware of their surroundings.
When my own children were small, I always made sure I knew where they were and who they were with, they are now 26 and 21, I still "need to know where they are and who they are with" but it is different now. There is always the threat of a stranger coming along, or getting hurt and needing medical attention, or being exposed to the wrong influences. So as parents we do worry, these are our precious children, we want only the best for them. They are young and inexperienced, they cannot make the right decisions yet. We need to teach them how to take care of themselves and make good choices. I speak from experience when I say the world is a dangerous place. I was molested 3 times by a neighbor, a "family friend", I didn't know I wasn't to blame for this. It is a life altering experience that NO ONE should go through. I didn't tell anyone about it, not even my parents, I was too ashamed. My parents were always there for me but never taught me about the possible dangers. I agree, the media does hype the news but we do live in a dangerous world, it has always been dangerous, and will always be dangerous. There is no way you can "take back" a terrible experience like I had. It is an experience that will scar you for life, and it didn't have to happen!
I agree with what Andrea and Dotti said that we no longer are an integral part of a neighborhood and that everyone is so busy we don’t really know or even see our neighbors. I remember when I was growing up, the woman across the street would sometimes call my mother and say, “Do you know what your daughter is doing right now?” Often times it was something like wearing a dress while climbing trees or carrying (walking) a snake home because my brother had been told to keep two hands on the handle bars while riding a bike. She was sometimes a bother, but she cared and we were rarely out of range from other people, esp. adults who knew us and cared about us and would tattle or intervene if it became necessary. I experienced some of that when my son (now 27) was little. One morning I opened my door to a two year old saying, “I want to see the baby.” We immediately went back to his house – he had unlocked the front door, crossed the street, climbed my stairs and knocked on the door without his parents knowledge. But he was safe. All of the neighbors knew who he was and where he belonged and were known by his parents. Today we have young children on the street, but I rarely see them, they have no idea who I am and probably aren’t allowed out of their fenced in backyard. I once attended a conference where the speaker referred to the “patterns of visiting,” when neighbors had time to speak to each other and create that sense of neighborhood. Has it disappeared for ever due to FEAR or is there a way to help it return?
I want to respond to Elaine's article that she brought to last week's face to face meeting.... "When are Kids Truly Safe?"
It seems that no matter where you turn, someone is announcing the findings of another research study informing parents of the next list of items that are hazardous to their/their child's health and safety.
The other morning it was reported on WBZ4 morning news that it is important for preschoolers to spend less time indoors watching TV and more time outdoors because it was found that preschoolers who spent most of their time indoors developed asthma than those who spent 2 hours outdoors everyday.
I agree that indoor air can be unhealthy because of a variety of reasons including cleaning chemicals, illness, dust, mites,etc. I open several windows
in my home everyday to air it out...bring in the fresh air and move out that unhealthy air....
Well, my youngest son spent most of his days growing up outdoors playing with his friends in the forest, gravel pit, playing sports, etc. but he still developed asthma at the age of 5 and he was/is considered obese. It doesn't matter whether you do everything right, bad things happen to good people. You may never know why, it just happens.
I don't think that you can protect your children from everything. I wonder how many children actually developed cancer because they bought vinyl lunch boxes or ate microwave popcorn. ( I didn't know about the bags!)
You just have to do the best you can, hopefully giving your children the tools to make the best possible choices. Yes, they'll make mistakes. But they'll learn from those mistakes.
Today's world is tough. You here things happening everyday and think to yourself, what if that was my child. I think everybody has their own risk tolerances. One person may be much different then another. Dangers on over-supervising, yes they may miss out on something, but I think if it is going to keep my child safe from danger, no supervising is too much.
Yes, I think things are much different back in teh day when I was young compared to know. When I was little we had no fear, we didn't care. We did whatever we wanted. As a child I lived in many different states and countries and me and my siblings went everywhere, did anything. now if I brought my child to a different country, she would not be allowed out of my site. Is this damaging her, I don't think so. What she doesn't know can't hurt her.
As far as good decision making, I think children learn that at different ages. How many times has my granddoughter fallen off the couch, hurt herself and did it again. She does not know better. Children of certian ages can make thoughtful decisions, they are not always the right one and may be harmed. I don't know if we should put that much respondsibility in our childrens hands.
the children in my system range from very fearful and shy to no fear at all. There is quite a difference in the parenting technics!!
It isn’t so much about “keeping the children safe” – our efforts in keeping them safe is a given. Not one of us would want to see a child face any kind of harm. Louv says “We may fear the outdoors, but kids may generally face more dangers in their own home.” I want to echo what Tina Souza has said and one of these dangers I feel is the media! The sensationalism of television as it is now is a psychological danger to ourselves and our children! We are being made to think there IS danger around every corner and in that we may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy! I agree that much of our fear comes directly from what we hear from the media and the way we respond to the news. We infer that what has happened to others will happen to us too if we are not “careful”. We become anxious and less apt to venture outside the realm of what we know to be safe. I have a friend who says she will never, ever consider going to Mexico because people get kidnapped. She has shut out a whole country based on what she has heard on the news. Should she not live in America because there is also kidnapping taking place here? The majority of news we hear is negative – it doesn’t make a good story or good viewership ratings to have all wonderful happy things happening and as a result, we live in that world of fear and negativity and it rubs off on our children. Over the years, there has been an increase not only in real violence but also in violent television shows. Our current media formula is one in which the networks vie for the “Oh my gosh!” factor. We sensationalize as much as possible it seems and as long as we are all still tuning in, that is what we will be getting and that is what we will be generating. In my opinion, we are scaring ourselves and scaring our children and it is time to turn on the lights to our fears and turn off the tv.
As far as legality issues, I think that yes Louv is absolutely right when he says "the fear of liability ranks right after the boogeyman!" Many people seem to be afraid of being sued and I think that number grows, not diminishes with time. I cannot believe that there are “no running” signs on playgrounds in Florida! Many times I have heard the phrase that the new American dream for some is to sue and win a lawsuit. There are some people who while not looking to have accidents or sue, will not think twice if it happens to them to take the other person for all they are worth for their own benefit without blinking an eye. I know of someone who won a lawsuit for an injury sustained and took the money won and put a down payment on a house instead of having surgery. Some people look at accidents like they are winning the lottery! My parents and grandparents were old-fashioned Yankees and you worked hard and picked yourself up when you fell and you did not take advantage of anyone or any institution! That was just unthinkable. I think many of our great-grandfathers/grandmothers would be shaking their heads in shame to see what happens in our legal system today! Louv is right and we need to find a way in which to keep our children safe but we also protect our children's right to natural play. The only way to conquer the fear of frivolous lawsuits is to go to the root of it and perhaps change the outcome. One thought (although I am sure it is not a realistic one) would be putting a cap on how much someone can collect from a lawsuit? Yes, that would not be fair to all but is it fair for society to be subjected and held hostage to an ongoing epidemic of being so in fear of lawsuits?
I agree with all who cite the media as a major influence in our fears. The local and national news broadcasts are frightening and highlight the horrible things we humans do to one another.
So many television shows deal with murders, crime and violence. Even though we may religiously monitor children's television time, the fact remains that so much of today's programming has violent themes. We as adults are bombarded by those images and it's no wonder we've become afraid! Eileen, I agree - we're scaring ourselves and thus, our children!
The suggestions for curing the bogeyman syndrome are simple and sensible. We have to start by examining ourselves and our fears then passing the information on to the staff members and the parents we deal with everyday. But coming against the barrage of negative and frightening media images will be tough thing.
In the end, I think we need to provide each child with an appropriate balance - guidance, protection and some freedom to explore while making a case for exploration and time in nature with their parent(s).
I hope to feature some excerpts from Louv's book in my newsletters as a small way to begin raise awareness.
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